Toxic Leadership vs. Empathy: Why Being a "Soft" Manager Is Actually a Strength
Confessions of a “Wrong Boss”: Why Empathy Is Often Mistaken for Weakness in Toxic Cultures
How to survive a workplace built on fear, decode narcissistic management, and choose yourself when the system tries to break you
The movie “The Internship” (starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson) was my starting point. Anyone who has seen this comedy remembers that they tried to get a job at an IT company without any skills in this field. I was very impressed by this movie, but at the time, I knew almost nothing about tech careers. Rumors were spreading everywhere that they paid well. I decided to change my life, unaware that I was heading into a toxic work environment that would test my emotional intelligence to the limit.
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| Entering the world of IT and digital marketing — Photo by Greg Bulla on Unsplash |
Beginning
Like the heroes of that movie, I came to IT with no experience — only with faith that I could handle it. I started looking for a job, and to my surprise, I found one a month later. The miraculous power of visualization — people who believe in esotericism will say. An incredible coincidence — I will say.
And so, having passed the interview and received a test task, I could not wait for an answer. The team did not really fulfill their promises; they promised to check in a week. The week passed, and I did not want to say goodbye to the thought that they wouldn’t hire me. I began to write to the company, I wanted to find out what happened to my test task, whether I passed it or not. But I saw only one option, and it was that I passed.
By the way, the test task was to make a prototype of a website, which I had never done, but wanting to do the task, I read and looked through everything I found on the Internet about it.
Invitation to work
A month later, I was invited to work. On the first day, I imagined myself at Google. I thought, oh my god, there are real developers here, they must be incredibly smart, talented, just superhuman. Accordingly, not having such knowledge, I had a lot of complexes.
After the very first day, I thought that I was incapable of anything, and probably shouldn’t come the next day. In addition, I received a message from my boss, which said: “Learn to google,” they told me. And I came thinking that I can. Was I wrong?
First day at work and feeling “I’m out of place”After the very first day, I thought that I was incapable of anything, and probably shouldn’t come the next day. In addition, I received a message from my boss, which said:“Learn to google,” they told me. And I came thinking that I can. Was I wrong?”
After a while, I got used to it and met almost everyone. I am learning to make website prototypes.
From newbie to boss. And again, without preparation
And then something happened that I didn’t expect even in my wildest dreams…
The company decides to open a new department, a promotion or link-building department. And they gave me the position of Head of the link-building department. I got the position suddenly. No one really knew anything about SEO and link building, and I needed to figure it out myself.
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| Sudden career growth and new responsibilities — Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash |
I was entrusted with the link building department without knowing what it was. And I just started to figure it out myself.
There was no AI back then to understand the topic in 5 minutes. I was given control of a department consisting of 2 people at the beginning. Later, I began looking for a third person as the company expanded and took on numerous clients who purchased this service. My department was overloaded.
I am on equal terms with the department; I support and motivate, and people come to me with questions and stories. I care because I am an empath, and people feel it.Once such a story happened — my employee told me that her husband works in a small supermarket. They were threatened with fines if they did not sell the remaining New Year’s sweet sets. The price for them was simply tempting. I saw an opportunity in this.
I wrote in the work chat: “Who wants delicious candies — I can order, they will be delivered tomorrow.” Colleagues were inspired, bought almost everything, and some took two or three packages. So I helped not only the team to brighten up their weekdays, but also her husband, to avoid a fine.
This is a team, this is support, and a normal human approach. I wanted to work in such a team.
The employee who is always sick and the HR who never listens.
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| Photo by Clark Tibbs on Unsplash |
One day, a huge guy came to our department (the third person). He was twice as tall as I and built like Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
From the very first meeting, something felt off — I had a feeling he wouldn’t actually work. He pretended to be engaged, but it was clear he preferred chatting and talking about his life — how he used to live in another country, about his girlfriend… Within a week, our whole team knew everything about him. Then, on Monday morning, he messaged me saying he wouldn’t be coming because of back pain.
Two things bothered me:
First, how were we supposed to handle all the clients now? had just finished training him, spent a lot of time, and we already had a ton of work to catch up on. Now we had to split the work he wouldn’t be able to handle for at least a week.
Second, his condition. It genuinely concerned me.
The following week, he messaged again saying he still couldn’t walk, that he was getting treatment, and would try to recover as quickly as possible.
A month goes by… and he’s still telling us he’s sick.
Jokes started flying around the office — people were half-joking that they were starting to envy him a little.
I went to the HR department and shared my suspicion that he wanted to be paid without actually working. I even suggested letting him work from home, but he refused, citing his health condition.
I was trying to keep the department functioning and protect the company’s budget.
Then one day, a colleague tells me they saw him, perfectly fine, out for a walk with his girlfriend. That was the last straw. I insisted on letting him go. If HR had been more competent and had taken my concerns seriously from the beginning, the company could have saved the money it wasted paying two salaries.
Later on, I saw him working at a supermarket.
“Being equals” — turns out that’s not how it works!
I hired a friend of one of my team members to take his place. Seemed like a decent guy, but he went out for smoke breaks way too often. Meanwhile, I barely get up from my desk during the day — I simply don’t have the time, there’s too much work.The next guy we hired, also through a recommendation, came up with a special greeting for the team, like the kind sports teams do before a game. I actually liked it. But management didn’t.
I get called in and scolded for being “too equal” with my team.
“You’re not their friend, you’re their boss,” my boss told me.
“And what if I don’t feel like being a tyrant?”
“Then you won’t succeed here.”
This whole mindset doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t like it when people get arrogant just because of their title. I’m not one of those people. I believed a team could thrive in a calm, friendly atmosphere. But when leadership relies solely on tyranny, abuse, fear, and punishment — that’s a dead-end road. That kind of approach leads to burnout.Back to the guy with the team greeting. I asked him to stop going out for smoke breaks so often — I don’t even take breaks myself, because there’s simply too much to do. But for some reason, he felt entitled to walk out every thirty minutes.
He threw a tantrum and quit, saying it was too much! Poor guy… imagine being asked to actually work at work, not just hang out.
Four Against One
After that offended guy quit, HR couldn’t find anyone suitable to replace him. They suggested a guy who had just been kicked out of the SEO department for being disorganized. I asked, “Why would I need that kind of headache?”They said, “Let’s just take him for two weeks, see how he works.”
I didn’t like it, but they hired him without my consent.
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| Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash |
HR suggested a guy who had just been kicked out of the SEO department for being disorganized. They hired him without my consent. Eventually, I discovered he had been submitting fake reports about work he supposedly did. I demanded he be let go. HR ignored me again.
At the same time, HR was training a new girl to replace her while she went on maternity leave. She was barely paying attention to actual work. The new girl she trained was too young and inexperienced to deal with issues like this.I told them: this guy isn’t working.
They didn’t care.
Every two weeks, I had a call with the company owner. His favorite movie is “The Devil Wears Prada.”
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| Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash |
He tries to model his management style after Miranda Priestly. But while Miranda had impeccable taste, he only needed to dominate and humiliate. His vocabulary includes gems like: “I could do this in 5 minutes!” or “If you don’t do it, I’ll fire you!”
At our very first online meeting, he asked about my previous jobs. I said I used to work as a credit specialist in consumer lending, an auto loan advisor, and an insurance manager for cars. To which he replied:“Oh! So basically, you’ve never worked anywhere!”
I dreaded those meetings. Every time I left them feeling like I didn’t deserve my role, like I was overpaid (even though my salary was a fraction of what people make at Google), and yet my responsibilities were overwhelming. It’s incredibly hard for an empathetic person to work under someone with narcissistic tendencies.
It’s incredibly hard for an empathetic person to work under someone with narcissistic tendencies. At the same time, he promoted someone to Head of the SEO department — a girl who had only been with the company for less than three months. She quickly adopted his abusive leadership style.
The new SEO manager, the pregnant HR girl, and the new HR rep quickly became besties. And just like that, everyone who wasn’t part of their little circle became the enemy. They were all around 22 years old. |
| Photo by CoWomen on Unsplash |
After one of the usual meetings with the company owner, he told me, “If you don’t come up with a new link-building strategy within two weeks, you’re fired.”
They… basically locked me in a room, metaphorically speaking, just to strip me of everything.
The very next day, the new SEO head and the two HR girls scheduled a meeting with me and said:
“You should become a regular link builder now, and he (the guy who doesn’t even do his job) will become the boss.”
I was furious. I decide where and how I work. Not them. So I made my choice. I switched roles on my own terms, wrote a statement, and moved to a new position — as a content manager.
I chose to leave — meaning, I chose myself
I came back to my desk to clean up my computer, and that guy — the one hoping to become the manager—started yelling at me across the entire open space. I don’t even remember what he wanted.
At that moment, the head of the development department spoke up and said:
“How dare you talk like that to your supervisor?”To which he shouted back:
“She’s not my supervisor anymore, I’ll talk to her however I want!”I messaged her, telling her that those three girls locked me in the meeting room and tried to make me a subordinate in my own department. That’s why I changed roles. She replied:
“What kind of manager are you if your team is in such a mess?”Turns out, despite being an adult, she wasn’t exactly insightful. She didn’t even try to understand the situation.
By the way, this impudent guy was fired after a few weeks for poor performance.
Later that evening, I got a message from the company owner. He asked:
“Did you transfer to another department on your own?”Seems like he felt something was off. But I didn’t want to get into the whole teenage witch coven thing… So I just replied: “Yes.”
He didn’t like that. And for the rest of my time at the company, he never gave me a raise. Even though the number of projects kept growing. No assistant. No support.
I got demoted, the workload exploded like mushrooms after rain, but the salary stayed the same. That’s when I realized: this is not about me.By the time I left the company, I was responsible for over 260 projects. Just to compare — SEO managers were handling around 10 each. That’s when I made a decision:
- Never again.
- I will never allow this kind of treatment.
- Not from any job.
- Not from any boss.
- Not a “bad boss,” just an empath in a toxic culture
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So why am I telling this story?
I recently watched an interview with a girl who works as a manager at Tiffany & Co. She said something that hit me:There are two kinds of managers. One stands with their team, the other stands above them.The first kind creates a safe, calm environment where people feel supported, and as a result, they work better. The second kind believes they’re superior. And under that kind of pressure, people burn out fast, lose interest, and eventually perform worse.
For a long time, I thought I was the “wrong kind” of manager. Too soft. Too human. I blamed myself for not being “strict enough.”
Now I realize — the problem wasn’t me. The problem was the system. A culture where empathy is mistaken for weakness. Where power comes from pressure, not from support, where fear replaces leadership.A strong leader doesn’t crush people — they lift them.
- I wasn’t a bad boss. I was a good person in the wrong place.
- I was an empath in a company where management was built on fear, pressure, and threats. And when I left, that was the moment I chose me.
- Back then, I didn’t know how to protect my boundaries. Now I do.
- Now I know what kind of leader I want to be. And I know what kind of company I want to work for.
“Everything You Say, I’ll Use It Against You in Court.” — GPTChat. Learn the vital lessons about data privacy and the hidden risks of modern tech communication!
Insider Tip: surviving a toxic workplace requires more than just patience; you need to arm yourself with knowledge about dark psychology. I highly recommend reading books on narcissism and workplace dynamics to identify patterns before they break you. Also, a soft weighted blanket is the best "Plan B" for your evening recovery after a day in a "Devil Wears Prada" office!
Anyway, while some "Founders" search for power by imitating movie villains, I’m focused on creating things that are genuinely interesting and supportive. Maybe you’ll find something useful for your professional boundaries here or just something cute to cheer up your desk after a hard meeting? 🦝
Have you ever felt like the "wrong" kind of manager because you chose empathy over tyranny? How do you handle narcissistic leadership without losing your mind? Let’s share our stories in the comments!
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